Allow me to say a few things.
for what we say,
separates us from peasants and kings.

Mom, you were the sun, and on the 8th you set.
Today is the 3rd... and everyday i wept.

the last that i have written,
you have read.
so now that you know my story,
you know that i am dead.

regardless of what you may have heard,
i have not changed, i am still the same
its my mentality to show alter ego,
so you don't see the pain.

and why would i allow to reveal the true color of my heart?
i keep it concealed, because if it were to be shown, you'd see that its broken apart.

it can't be mended, can not be restored,
cuz it can no longer love,
the love is gone with the
Person that it had beated for.

what is left?
i'm so unsure,
i say that i've healed.
but that's premature.

oh how the days are slow
and slower for i know
that there is no point to
look forward to tomorrow

all i have is the past,
no more dreams, only memories
but they too are cruel
they too are my enemies

if you had seen what i had seen
you'd know why, i do not dream
at night i reflect, and still i cry
replaying the timeframe of 10:05

dear friend, know that i was awake,
tending to Mommy at midnight.
and little had i known that it was fate
when She had given up the fight.

i stayed with Her, well past 3
and know that i was insecure, of what She had told me.

She said "its alright to be scared"
was She already impared?
or did She merely foreshadow,
that i need to prepare

for the end was near, 7 hours hence
and the battle was lost, for it was time we were against.

She could not stand, She could not speak,
oh God, none of you know the meaning of weak!

well i do, good sir.
"stay with me!" i gave my demand,
i held on tight,
yet there was no feeling in Her hand

no breathe, no blink
oh God, i could not think
i did not want to beleive Her life was at its brink

you don't know whats the worst feeling in the world, do you?
its when you realize this is it, and theres nothing you can do.

this is the backlash of a broken-down mind
no peace, nor comfort i can find
cuz when i say that i'm am feeling well
understand, its a play.... i lied

character is when no ones looking
and none of you are there
i've gotten good of not revealing myself
but God knows you don't care.

so where do i turn?
where do i go?
please direct me, mom
only you would know.

i laugh, at the irony of the situation
because without her, i have no more relation.

once there was 5.
now there is 4
but without the 1
its as if there is no more.

and don't feel sorry for me,
don't say a word
this is reality
this is the lesson i have learned.

don't say it will be ok,
or that i'll heal in time
you are trying to fix a wall,
without cement, but mud, dirt, and grime.

you have just tasted a sliver
of tragedy i have owned and shown
but the coldest truth this world has given me...
Mom, without you.... i am alone......

                   .....take me with You.....

                       ....Utopia is gone....

Please really read this poem... i'll let the words speak for themself.

                                    10:05 AM
                    ...the poem of a lost boy...

It was a sunny day,
one that had so much light,
but inspite its pefectness,
something wasn't right.

I can't believe i can write this
I can't believe You're gone,
I can't believe it has ended
Everything had gone wrong.

You know that i love You
I love You beyond death,
So why is it that God decided
You and death should've met.

Everything's a blur,
Nothing is clear,
You said that it is only God that
I should fear.

I know You're here beside me,
Watching as i say,
At least You're here watching me,
Proving that i pray.

The sun is an illusion,
There is too much confusion,
I read the signs of tragedy,
But didn't expect You that i'd be losing.

Understand, You are my ALL,
And even now i wish you well,
But understand it was 10:05,
When i knew that my heart fell.

With tears of grieve, i see You,
I held You in my arms,
Who would've thought it was the
Inside that cause you so much harm.

I don't know what to do,
Do You know what i'm going through
At the point of disappearance I died along with you.

Its hard because now i am a child without a Mom.
But the hardest part to deal with
Is to realize You are gone...

Mommy, I Love You sooo much...
Why did you leave me?
Please look after us, now that you're in heaven...

Your loving son,

Ulster DURAN Napoles
...Kuya Yul

Fear <6.4.03>

i'm not afraid of death
i am afraid of death for another
i'm not afraid to be a friend
i am afraid to be a lover

i'm not afraid to fight
i am afraid to lost
i'm not afraid of choice
but i'm afraid to choose

i'm not afraid of problems
i am afraid of questions
i'm not afraid of teachings
but i'm afraid of their lessons

i'n not afraid of risks
   to live for the moment
i am afraid of failure
   at that chance i do not own it

i'm not afraid to accept,
   but am to accept reality,
not afraid to dream
   but of lying in fantasy

i'm not afraid to be blind
i am afraid of not being able to see
i'm not afriad to be a follower
but i'm afraid on who leads

i'm not afraid to look
i am afraid to find
that everything i 've built
was all in my mind

i'm not afraid of create
i am afraid to construct
i'm not afraid of depression
i am afraid that i'll self-destruct

i am not afraid of justice
i am afraid of truth
not afraid of beating
but i do fear abuse

i'm not afraid to cry
or as my life i have to give
i'm not afraid to die
but most importanly, i'm afraid to live...

so... today started off... kinda bad... late for church... again... but it wasn't the church that i usually go to... today we went to St. Michael's church... nice service... this has been the thrid straight week for us going there... i mean... its nice and all... but its not where i usually go... i got to St. Brenden's chapel down at the 32nd st. base... and i have yet to get my Confirmation Certificate... now the people there probably think that i went to church just to get Confirmed, and now that i am... i looks like i don't give a damn... thats not true... for one reason or another, my dad doesn't want to drive there since theres a nice church closer by... so anyways... we get there late... we missed the litergy... and so i didn't think i was worthy to recieve communion... call it guilt... but we made it up by staying and hearing the whole of the second mass after the first one ended... oh yeah... i saw enrilo over there... he was one of the ministers that called people up to take communion... he was looking pretty sharp too... i think from now on, i'll start doing that... its not like i dress 'bad' for church... but i think i should dress 'better'.
when we got home, i had to cancel a plan that the guys and i had, because, of course family comes first... i just wish they'd tell these things to me sooner so i don't look like an ass telling this to my friends... the family had a picnic over at spanish landing... because my mom wanted to see the sights again...and of course, i love my mom and i want her to be happy, so i held no grudge and went willingly... i mean, its the least i can do... everytime i look at her i just want to cry... because i know that i can't help her... her pain is phyisical, so i can't do anything about it... just massage her every chance i can get and be by her side...

if i haven't made myself clear... i love my mom to death... and i could gladly take on all her sickness, all her pain, and sell my soul to the devil himself, just to be promised of her healing which i pray for everday. but i can only do so much... so whoever reads this... please have a heart... pray for her too, we need all the help we can get

i haven't told too many people this, but i guess its alright to keep it out in the open... how many people read my xanga anyway? very doubtful that many do. my laugh is really and frown, everytime i feel cheery is just a masquerade, i hide away... sounds poetic? sounds pathetic?

and for the past two days i've been pretty gloomy, because three really special friends came to visit the house, and i haven't seen them for a good 2 years... and how do i pay them? but being there for only 45 minutes... if not for my selfishness, i could've been there to see them for a good 4 hours... but noo, ulster is a fucking idiot that doesn't get his priorities fucking straight! and its a pretty good possibility that i'll never see them again...

i'll be honest... i'm a VERY accepting person... i'll pass things off, just because i know thats just how things are, i'm a realist that has little hope for virutually everything... can it my 'enlightenment'... there are only a few things that i carry hope and faith in, and as peotic as it sounds... i carry those in hope and faith itself... aside from my faith that my mom will get better, i doubt that i will ever make a name for myself, achieve greatness, or even grow taller, why? because i know how the world works... i know how i work... and i don't work at all... the first step to change is aceptance... and i accepted a long time ago, that there is no hope for change.

so yeah... i'm a depressed guy, i might not show it, but i am... so fuck all the happy go lucky preppy perky cheerleading counsling guidance kids who don't know shit about the world... they wonder why the world has gone to shit? because its our human nature... your hearts are in the right place, but your mind is still fucking asleep... WAKE UP... face reality... WELCOME TO THE RUDE AWAKENING...

heres a universal truth: ignorance IS bliss and knowledge IS pain.

so where do you stand? where do I stand? dunno... maybe i finally snapped from digging the hole too deep and now i can see hell... or maybe i dug in the wrong area... does it matter? in order to see the world... you need to SEE the world... don't rely on books and tv... go there... see it for yourself... i've seen it... do i like it? its not a matter of opinion...

singapore... rich... philippines... poor... US? right in the middle... so don't fuck with what you don't know and don't complain...at least you don't wash your face in sewage water on the crowded, polluted streets of Makati City, where 85% of the population is below the poverty level. 

why am i telling this to you... someone has to... and some of you already know... i applaud you. do you think i'm just blathering a crazed directed cause? that i'm leading myself off a cliff? 

all i can say is that reality is shit... so take a BBIIGGG sniff.